In a mutually beneficial economic deal emerging from Providence, RI, 34-year-old Harris Williams mentally and emotionally tortured his girlfriend, 26-year-old Ife Adebayo, for months, so she has taken her retribution in the form of his sweatshirt.
Nice job, everyone! That’s what we call a fair trade!
“I can confidently say this relationship will affect my confidence and ability to trust others for years, if not decades, to come,” Ife told reporters gathered at the scene, where she was cocooned in bed. “But that’s okay! At least I got his sweatshirt on the way out.”
Sources confirm that even before Harris and Ife officially started dating, their prolonged situationship did some damage, as Harris was constantly waffling between intense devotion and cold apathy.
“It’s not love bombing when it feels really honest to me,” Harris told reporters. “Yes, I was really into her for a couple of weeks and then started to lose feelings, but that’s just how it works, you know? But once she started pulling away in response, I realized I did actually love her and wanted a relationship.”
Reporters were already concerned upon hearing this, but it seems things only got worse from there.
“When we officially started dating, he stopped making any romantic gestures because he said they’d be ‘wasted on me,’” Ife continued. “He also told me all my friends were ‘low-life betas.’ Sure, all of that sucked, but I have a sweatshirt now! So there’s that.”
Harris also believes this was a fair trade, but barely.
“It’s a really good sweatshirt, and I do want it back,” he continued. “But her friends have said if I get within 15 feet of her, they’re going to have me arrested, so I guess I’m just going to have to live with it. This sucks! The stuff I did wasn’t even that bad!”
Without hearing any more of what he did, reporters are pretty confident it was “that bad.”
“I’m trying to look at the bright side now that I’ve removed myself from the situation,” Ife continued. “I’ve gotten a lot of positive things out of our relationship! For example, I learned that I should never allow someone else to tell me that I’m worthless and incapable of love, all while cheating on me behind my back. I’ve also learned that I look amazing in burgundy.”
As of press time, Harris has begun slandering Ife around town for being a thief. She has yet to slander him for being an emotional terrorist.
