Face it: Some Saturday nights, you’re just not in the mood to be out on the town. And that’s especially true every 29.53 days—when the full moon is bright and triggers your metamorphosis into a ferocious werewolf. So embarrassing! Here are the best excuses to use to head out early—without announcing to the whole bar that it’s your time of the month! Your werewolf time, that is!
“I have a headache.”
Although this is the most cliché excuse in the book, sometimes it’s actually true! The mental preparation for a full-body transformation into a mythical beast can take such a toll on the ol’ noggin. Remember to drink plenty of water—it’ll relieve your headache, and you’ll feel less dehydrated the next morning after hours of ravenous slobbering and a violent transformation.
“I’m so hungry, I’m literally going to eat my purse.”
People are always saying this nonsense, like they don’t know the true meaning of “literally.” But thanks to those silly crumbcakes, you can get away with throwing out this excuse—while still being 100% honest! Your friends will think you mean you want to stop off for a taco. Little will they know you’re totally going to devour that tasty leather cookie of a handbag at exactly 12:01. And it’s going to be fucking delicious, just like the gazelle you’ve hunted for dessert.
“The moon has got me all out of whack.”
Forget that it’s no longer 1852—you can definitely still blame the moon for all your problems. Your friends will think you’re just going through an astrology phrase, but the truth is the moon is your tidal overlord and your werewolf body ebbs and flows to its craters’ wishes. It was so beautiful that fateful night. If only you’d managed to scramble up into a nearby tree, then maybe the fangs wouldn’t have had a chance to break the skin. But that’s in the past now. Now you answer to the moon.
Just remember that whatever you do, pulling an Irish Goodbye is not okay, in any corporeal form. Your friends would much rather have their skin mercilessly shredded by your bacteria-coated claws than get a text message at 11:55 saying, “I went home. Have fun tho! Call me about brunch tomorrow.”
