America used to be about gunslingers and cowboys and real men with heart who did unspeakable things and never took responsibility for it. Not anymore, though. No. Now the very thing this country was built upon is being threatened. That’s right: They won’t even let you be a corrupt city mayor anymore.
The old, glorious America is dead, I guess. Now, you can’t even commit the smallest bit of bribery and wire fraud and conspiracy and solicitation of a campaign contribution by a foreign national (x2) without the Justice Department getting up in your ass. You do the slightest bit of hijinks and shenanigans as mayor and all of a sudden there are horrible accusations being levied at you, just because of those things you did! I am being targeted for my actions, and this is unfair.
Rest assured, this criticism will not stop me from engaging in the greatest American tradition we’ve ever had: being a city mayor who is a little skeevy, a bit immoral, and not that good at hiding it.
It’s moments like these that I turn to my forebears for wisdom. People like Boston mayor James Michael Curley (mail fraud, 1945), Providence mayor Buddy Cianci (kidnapping and racketeering conspiracy, 1984), Camden mayor Angelo Errichetti (bribery and conspiracy, 1981), and a bunch of other really good, really misunderstood guys who maybe just used their power to enrich themselves a little here and there. Just normal guy stuff.
Heck, the girls are even getting in on it, too! Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh (tax evasion, 2019) set a great example for little ladies everywhere that they, too, could be a corrupt city mayor someday. Don’t you want little ladies to know they can be just as corrupt as the big boys? This is a normal way of speaking.
So the next time you want to judge me for doing the stuff I probably did (pending investigation), just know that it doesn’t make me unamerican. It makes me American as fuck, actually. Maybe you should be more concerned that all of a sudden it’s become “illegal” to have a little fun, make a few friends, and have a few close, reciprocal relationships with members of the Turkish elite.
