Hey babe, I know you’re nervous about us having banged last week because of your outdated and deep-seated fear of contracting a sexually transmitted infection as well as the burning sensation you have been describing in your nether regions (ew) ever since. I just want to assure you that I absolutely, 100%, definitively do not have an STI.
How do I know? Because I’ve never been fuckin’ tested.
I’m so good at not having STIs that no one would even dare test me for one. My dentist almost never asks me to test for those things. Oh, I’m supposed to ask? Or go in voluntarily? To a doctor? Well, I’d only do that if I had an STI, which I don’t.
I’m so good at not having STIs that chicks only ever get them after we’ve hooked up. Like, every chick I’ve ever slept with has no STI before or while she’s sleeping with me, and then develops one, like, a few days to one week later. Should have stuck to having sex with me, right? That way, she’d never get one! Why don’t the ladies listen to the Chuckster when he – that’s me – is trying to help them?
I don’t understand why you’re so upset about this. I’m telling you that I’m beyond tested. I’m so beyond tested that I don’t even feel the need to know how I would even go about testing. I’m so beyond tested that all my buddies call me “fire crotch.”
Would you ask Michael Jordan to take a test that determines whether he’s ever played basketball? No. Because he definitely has. Or, uh, I mean, he doesn’t have any STIs. I’ve been confused by my own metaphor.
It’s like my mom always said: “They can’t call you dumb unless you’ve taken an IQ test, so just don’t take an IQ test.” Miss her every day.
No, no one has ever contacted me about having an STI after we hooked up. Probably because no one has ever contacted me at all after we hooked up. You’re asking dumb questions, babe.
Can you stop shouting? I honestly think it’s a little suspicious when someone has been tested for an STI. It’s like, what are you hiding? What do you think you have? For these reasons, I also never test for Covid. It’s just allergies, bro. If I thought I had Covid, I would test for it, which I don’t, so yeah, don’t even worry about it. It’s chill. Why are you coughing at a time like this?
