In the spirit of peace on earth and good will toward all of God’s creatures, Donna Peters has declared December 25th a “day of armistice” between herself and the herd of neighborhood feral cats currently “driving her batshit crazy.”
Now in its third year, the battle began when a noticeable decline in birdbath population was traced to the roaming cats. They quickly established their territory – stalking bird prey and pooping on Donna’s porch by day and screeching outside her bedroom window at night. Donna responded by leaving a bowl of Sudafed-laced Nine Lives outside and proceeded to treat herself to “Donna’s Dreams” (her signature blend of Pinot and orange sherbet).
As a response, the cats seemed to have instinctually taken over Peters’ nativity scene and nested. Mating, fighting and defiling of religious figures became a nightly occurrence, prompting Donna to use an entire 30-feet reel of razor wire to secure the stable’s roof and the integrity of the figurines.
But after last weekend’s community theater production about the Christmas Truce of 1914, Donna went home and found herself in an evening of deep soul-searching.
“After sitting in that auditorium watching those brave soldiers take a moment to stop fighting, it dawned one me: I am living my own Western Front, right here, and I am a weary soldier,” shared Donna.
“Yep. They sure piss her off,” chimed in Mike, Donna’s husband of 27 years, from his outpost on the porch recliner.
So this Christmas, Donna will lay down her arms. Donna is going so far as considering setting out a small plate of tuna as a peace offering to begin a years-long armistice denoted by the Christmas holiday.
“It will be nice to just be at peace and savor the reason for the season. I guess it’s not their fault that they were set loose into this wild world. We’re all just trying, you know?” noted Donna. “But come the 26th I’m renting some possum traps and it is ON.”
