Most people mistakenly believe that confining your boyfriend in a small cage for much of the day and night is cruel, but did you know that crate training your boyfriend can actually make him feel safer and more secure, while also preventing unwanted behavior?
How can you possibly justify keeping Darren in a tiny cage, with nothing but a fleece blanket and a stuffed ducky? You see, men are den animals, and as such might feel overwhelmed by the big, scary world that is your one-bedroom apartment. Stuffing him in a little box with a bowl of water speaks to his primitive brain, which just wants a safe, cozy, private place to call his own – and which he can’t leave of his own volition.
Does your man sometimes get tired or nervous? Or does he shit on the couch? Don’t worry – just lock him up! Crate training can be especially beneficial to immature men, easily excitable men, men who bother you when you are trying to cook, men who jump up, and rescue men.
Here are a few quick tips for crate training your boyfriend:
- Don’t pick a crate that is too large. You might think that picking the biggest cage to keep your boyfriend is the most humane choice, but you’d be wrong. The smaller the crate, the more secure he is, and the more room you have at the foot of your bed to take mirror selfies without someone asking, “What are you doing?”
- Create “cues” for getting your boyfriend in the crate. Always use the same phrase when crating your boyfriend, such as “In you go, big boy,” or, “Cage time, asshole.” You can add power to this cue by throwing a dog treat in the crate for him to chase.
- Throw in a t-shirt that has your scent. Sure, that’ll probably help him a little.
- Crate during your workday. Crate training isn’t just great for nighttime security, it can also be a great place for your boyfriend while you work. Not only will it ensure that he doesn’t fuck up your furniture, it also helps guarantees he won’t fuck up your bathroom.
- Use crates for time-outs. Did your boyfriend go into your jewelry box and get tangled up in all your necklaces or claim that women benefit from the patriarchy more than they know? Sending him into his crate for a few hours is a good way to let him know that behavior is unacceptable.
- Ignore whining. If you boyfriend whines at night while in the crate, it can be tempting to let him out and sleep with you in bed. But let’s face it, there’s not much room in bed for anyone besides you and your two German Shepherds.
Crate training takes a bit of work at first, and may sometimes seem cruel to inflict on any living creature, especially your cute little boyfriend. But the truth is that crate training is good for everyone involved, and can actually make your man feel safe and loved in a way that you don’t really otherwise have time for!