As the cold weather draws near, you’ll inevitably be invited to countless potluck dinners where it’s nearly impossible to stand out. Everyone’s a great cook, and no one seems game to talk about their unique sexual talent, like squirting. How else are you going to meet like-minded squirters like you? Whether you encounter prudes, jealousy, or some other squirting conversation roadblock, let the food do the talking. Here are some sure-to-please recipes for your potluck dish that simultaneously shout from the rooftop, “I’m a squirter!”:
Juicy Fruit Platter
Everyone knows that in-season fruits are bursting with juice, just like you! Put firm blueberries, grapefruit halves, and peeled orange slices on a platter. Not all potluck dishes have to involve the stove to please a crowd, especially not if you’re busy doing sexual magic tricks with your pussy! This unexpected-yet-somehow-sexual fruit combo perfectly reflects your exotic bodily function.
Fill-Your-Own Puff Pastry Pockets
If you’re a squirter who prefers an audience, this recipe is for you! Once you arrive at the potluck, set up a small floured workstation in the host’s kitchen, and roll out a few sheets of puff pastry. Cut the sheets into three-by-three-inch squares (for reference, three inches is about how long your magical pussy is). Pull back the soft outer layer of dough and place a soft white cheese of your choice in the center, or wherever feels right. If you’re a nut gal, you can add whatever kind you like for extra texture and flavor. We recommend walnuts and pecans, but do whatever your squirting self desires! Delicately work the outer layers together, then cook in a 350-degree oven for 15 minutes. If your guests have the right touch, the filling should burst through the pastry like a wave breaking through a dam, covering everything in its path, giving the lucky guest a memorable taste of what it would be like to get you off. Or if this sounds like too much work, just buy burrata because it takes less time and always gets the squirty message across. Remember: The important thing is for them to know you can squirt.
Rustic Cucumber and Tomato Salad
A classic dish with a squirter’s twist! Mix whole cherry tomatoes, an uncut cucumber, and olive oil together in a bowl. Every time a fork causes a tiny tomato to explode, everyone will struggle to maintain their boring conversations lost in quiet wonder about your sexual prowess. Meanwhile, the uncut cucumber will definitely be reminding every woman in the room of your husband, who is known for openly discussing his large, uncircumcised penis. Lucky you!
White Chocolate Lava Cake
Everyone and their stepmom have at least tried this famous dessert, so the cake recipe needs a tiny tweak to show off your magic jet stream. First look up how to make molten white chocolate lava cake, then fill it with white chocolate frosting. Make sure to keep it warm! When it comes time for dessert, impress everyone with a tableside demo of your orgasmic confection. Carve away, and watch your guests’ eyes go wide! Don’t worry where the filling lands, because just like your squirt, it can land anywhere, since everyone’s having a great time anyway!
Overstuffed Mini Hummus Wraps
Nearly every woman has made a hummus wrap at some point in their lives, but not every woman can squirt! This spin on a classic party snack will scream, “I am a female who ejaculates.” Take a few three-inch flour tortillas, smear one side with a tablespoon of hummus, and fold in your favorite crunchy veggies. Then, triple the amount of veggies and hummus and try to roll it shut, so that, when bitten, the paste is guaranteed to gush out. You won’t have to say anything, but now all the girls will have a mini taste of the unicorn that is your punani. (Your punanicorn!)
With these simple dishes, you can avoid awkward conversation and simply bask in the attention without having to say a word. All your guests will know that both you and your food are squirters! Now relax and only mildly enjoy potluck dinners like everyone else.
