In a report just out of Lynnwood, Washington, local dad Gary Turner has announced loudly to his family that had he been moderating the first presidential debate Tuesday evening, Donald Trump would have been “kept in check, without a doubt.”
“I’d have looked that clown square in the eyes, shaken my fist in the air slowly, and said ‘Sir, quiet your voice now. I mean NOW,’” said Turner. “When you’re the moderator, you’re in charge, and you simply can’t tolerate interruptions like that.”
Turner’s daughter, Noelle, wonders how effective her dad would actually be on the debate stage.
“This is just like when he watches baseball and yells at the TV that he would have never fumbled that ground ball, or whatever. It’s like, okay, then why aren’t you in the MLB?”
Still, Turner insists he would have maintained stronger control over the candidates than Chris Wallace, who has worked in broadcast journalism for five decades.
“My own dad always taught me that when you’re dealing with a bully like that Cheeto, you can’t show any weakness,” says Turner. “And if he really wasn’t shutting up, I’d let him know exactly how I feel…with my fists.”
The 63-year-old accountant emphasizes that “boy oh boy, had I been on that stage…*chuckles* Drumpf woulda been on his best behavior,” despite losing every fight with Noelle when she was aged 10-18.
Turner’s family is looking forward to seeing how well he will be moderating this year’s Thanksgiving dinner.