Curly Hair Products That We’re Not Making Any Promises About

Calling all curly girls! We know that with curly hair, the struggle is real. And if you’re anything like us, you’re constantly searching for that Holy Grail product—the one that will leave your curls moisturized, springy, defined, and fuh-lawless. Well, look no further! Here are our top five products for curly hair that say they do those things, but honestly, we are not about to give you our word, because we’ve been there, and we know that when a product says “no sticky residue”, what it really means is “unbelievable amount of sticky residue”. Buy these products for curly hair at your own risk, because we’re not making any promises!


DevaCurl Light Defining Gel

This moisturizing gel claims to create a “cast” around curls that allows them to dry without getting frizzy. Then, you just scrunch your hair to break the cast, and you’re good to go. Ha! Yeah, right. What does that even mean, “break the cast”? If we had to guess, we’d say you’re going to have some weird white dried-gel dust in your hair until your next shower. Worth a shot though, right? People do seem to love that DevaCurl stuff.



SheaMoisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie

The word “smoothie” aside, this one sounds pretty promising. The description says it will “reduce breakage” and impart “brilliant shine”. Uh-oh—brilliant shine? You know what that means, ladies: Grease City, Population: Hair. Damn. Maybe you could try just using a teeny tiny bit and rinsing most of it out? It was expensive.


Miss Jessie’s Curly Pudding

Curly pudding is a cult classic that supposedly “transforms shrunken kinks to super shiny stretched-out curls”. Oh, please. If that doesn’t scream “too good to be true” I don’t know what does. “Transforms”? Are you kidding me? If there’s one thing we’ve learned about curly hair, it’s that you can’t change your curl type, no matter how hard you try. Frankly, we’re a little miffed that Miss Jessie would even attempt to deceive us like that. Screw you, Miss Jessie—if that’s even your real name!



Ouidad Curl Quencher Moisturizing Styling Gel

This gel apparently contains “healing oils and fatty acids,” whatever the fuck that means. Honestly, we are so done with this shit. They’re all the same in the end, right? They’re all too heavy, or too light, or smell like a synthetic approximation of caramel. WHY CAN’T WE HAVE NICE THINGS LIKE THE STRAIGHT-HAIRED GIRLS?


Pantene Curl Defining Mousse

Oh, really, Pantene? This works “even in high humidity”? NOTHING WORKS EVEN IN HIGH HUMIDITY. NOTHING. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you. Fuck you, Pantene. Fuck. You.


Like we said, we wouldn’t necessarily recommend any of these products, because they probably won’t work. But, if you do end up trying them, and they do work, please, PLEASE say so in the comments, because winter is coming, our ends are split and it is not amicable, and we have not found a single thing that even remotely makes a difference. Please. We’re begging you.