5 New Hair Products That Look Just Like Semen

What feels better than a good hair day? Nothing! Use the start of the New Year as an excuse to give your locks a shinier bounce. Here are five awesome new products that will have your hair saying, “Thank you!” and also, “Is that semen?”


Aveda Damage Remedy Daily Hair Repair

This smooth, white goop will pop out of the tube prematurely as soon as you open it. Cover your eyes! Rich with proteins, this product might look like semen, and technically it could be. Apply liberally to clean, towel-dried hair and style as normal.


Bumble and Bumble Repair Blow Dry

Described as a creamy serum, this product even sounds like semen. You might actually say, “semen” instead of “serum” when asking for it at the salon! Perfect for gals with dry hair, begging for hydration. Smear the semen serum throughout damp strands before blow-drying to a radiant shine.


Pantene Pro-V 5-Minute Strengthening Mask

After showering, cover wet locks in this milky white mask that strongly resembles seminal fluid and let it penetrate your hair. It will finish after five minutes. Rinse and think about how long it took Pantene to get all that semen into that jar.



Living Proof Curl-Defining Styling Cream 

This stuff is supposed to last twice as long as the leading brand, but it tends to splooge right out as soon as you squeeze the tube. Disappointing, but some say it’s worth it. The smooth, jizzy texture makes it easy to comb through your wild mane. Don’t get it on your clothes or it will leave a stain.


Dr. Jackson’s Coconut Milk

Supposedly solid at room temperature but liquid on contact, we’re guessing Dr. Jackson put a lot of himself into this cummy concoction. It can go anywhere, just like sperm into product packaging when you’re not looking. Why did they have to make it this way?


If you’re looking to bring new life to your hair, grab the most nourishing products that just happen to look, feel, and taste exactly like the stuff that comes out of a penis. Easy!