Cuomo Team Releases Statement Reminding Public Governor Never Murdered Any Aides

In a last ditch effort to address the findings that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo harassed, assaulted, and created a hostile work environment for women in his offices, the Governor’s team has released a statement reminding the public that the Governor never murdered any of his aides.


“We are not saying that Governor Cuomo is guilty of violating federal and state law by sexually harassing many, many women,” read the report on the Governor’s website. “We are also not saying he didn’t do this. Why would we? It bears no real relevance to the fact at hand, which is that indisputably, Governor Cuomo never murdered any of his aides – not even by accident.”


“He never murdered an aide, and he never even wanted to,” the report continued. “In fact, as long as we’re talking about it, he never murdered anyone who worked for him, including those in higher levels. This is something, regardless of party affiliation, we can all celebrate.”


The statement went on to explain in a trepidatious run-on sentence that as far as crimes go, murder is worse than sexually terrorizing your employees over whom you hold immense power, and that while singing a love song to your 25-year-old staff member while she laughs a laugh that any decent human being would recognize as betraying deep discomfort is “not, not bad”, killing someone in cold blood would be worse.



“If there are any questions as to whether the Governor, who, by the way, kicked COVID’s ass and legalized marijuana (wooo!!), has decapitated, shot, strangled or in any other manner killed an aide, the answer is a resounding no,” the statement concluded. “If there are questions about any of the other stuff, please direct them to your generally misogynistic and victim-blaming grandma who fell in love with the Governor during his televised covid reports.”