Convicted Sexual Predator Suddenly Prison Abolitionist

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Mere weeks after his conviction of third-degree sexual assault Monday afternoon, 33-year-old Boston resident Josh Carmichael expressed his newfound belief that the entire American prison system must be dismantled.


“Mass incarceration plagues this nation,” Carmichael said, mentioning the issue for the first time in his life after being sentenced to six months in state prison for sexually assaulting multiple women. “But extensive reform would still not be enough to fix problems inherent to the prison industrial complex, such as separating people found responsible for crimes, like me, from society. All prisons must be destroyed and former inmates must then be welcomed back into their communities with open arms.”


Carmichael spoke passionately about the fundamental immorality of locking human beings in cages upon learning that he would be forced to complete grueling work for only a few cents per hour while always surrounded by armed guards unlikely to face even the slightest repercussions for mistreating incarcerated individuals.


“Sometimes it seems so difficult to end mass incarceration that we overlook tangible steps that can be taken in the short term,” said Carmichael. “For instance, freeing me immediately.”


A close source who wished to remain anonymous said that Carmichael had stated on numerous occasions before his guilty verdict that criminals should “rot in jail.”


Carmichael’s family also told reporters that although he was never remotely interested in social justice, he is suddenly consumed with working to eliminate an institution that “…profits from denying the human rights of millions of people—a group which I now happen to be a part of.”


While criticisms of mass incarceration in the United States are typically centered around racial inequality pervading the criminal justice system, Carmichael’s words took on a notably personal tone.


“Most people forget that racism is not a factor in every incarcerated person’s case,” said the white male convicted of sex crimes. “We must therefore release all prisoners today regardless of race. And regardless of the crime they committed, whether it was a minor drug offense, or—and this is just an example off the top of my head—rape.”


At press time, however, Carmichael was reportedly losing interest in his recent passion for prison abolition after his lawyer explained that he is likely to be let out on parole within a month, anyway.