‘I Hate This City,’ Says Woman Who Only Goes to Three Places

In an incredible move, Brooklyn resident Lillian Jenkins has proclaimed her hatred of New York City despite the fact that she only really goes to three places.


“This city is horrible,” says Jenkins. “I would be happier literally anywhere else.”


It is impossible to know what Jenkins is referring to specifically since she only goes to work, Trader Joe’s, and one coffee shop near her work and a different Trader Joe’s.


“It’s clearly more of a personal issue than an issue with New York,” says Jenkins’s friend, Angeles Wrightwood. “The other day I suggested we go to Prospect Park, and she just went off on a rant about how intra-Brooklyn public transit is a nightmarish emblem of everything that’s wrong with this city.”


“Like, yes it would take 40 minutes to get there,” Wrightwood adds. “But what else are you going to do on your day off? Scroll through Twitter and avoid folding your laundry?”


History indicates that Jenkins is, in fact, very likely to scroll through Twitter while considering how joyful life would be in Minneapolis, or San Antonio.


However, despite reports to the contrary, Jenkins is steadfast in her belief that her issues with New York City are objective and definitive.


“New York has just become a playground for the rich,” says Jenkins in a statement that is not wrong but contextually pretty meaningless. “This city is a shell of its former self.”



Jenkins’s vague commentary is not met by any local political or social activism on her part, but makes frequent appearances in her tirades against the global metropolis.


“When Lillian goes off about New York it’s just like, are you talking about Manhattan? Are you talking about population density?” asks Jenkins’s coworker, Ellie Milstein. “Because personally I’m from Queens, and I’m pretty sure she’s never even been there.”


Jenkins has been to seven of the boroughs’ 150 plus neighborhoods.


“I just have to get out of this city,” says Jenkins while standing in line at Trader Joe’s for the second time this week. “There’s nothing left for me here.”


If Jenkins turns left one block earlier on the way to the train, she will walk down a street she has never seen before.


Experts expect she will not.