In a developing story out of Jacksonville, Jake Walford, the 27-year-old guy you’ve been seeing, has reportedly been using the language of social justice movements to emotionally abuse you.
“I yelled at you in public because I needed you to recognize my point of view,” said Jake of an incident that happened at your friend’s recent birthday party. “Don’t tone police me!”
Jake, who has several “Coexist” bumper stickers on his Subaru, went on to co-opt the language of those advocating for equality to demean and tear you down.
“If you could summon the courage to look past your heteronormative, codependent ways of seeing relationships,” said Jake, “you’d realize that it’s unrealistic to expect one person to meet all your needs. That’s why I cheated on you.”
“Your myopic point of view about sex positivity is such a turn off,” added Jake, before diving back into his copy of ‘The Ethical Slut.’
Jake’s friends are unsurprised by his abusive ways.
“He’s always been kind of a shithead,” said Roger Tragus, one of Jake’s frat brothers. “He literally took on a minor in Women’s Studies because he thought it would get him laid more.”
“Once, a girl he had been dating for months asked him to define the relationship,” said Luke Huang, another longtime friend of Jake’s. “And he dumped her for ‘crossing a personal boundary and taking up too much emotional space.’”
“It’s like he thinks he found a loophole into being a bad person by sprinkling in some woke buzzwords,” Luke added, accurately.
But for Jake, being unable to be held accountable is worth a little extra Tumblr browsing.
“I understand your perspective as a cis woman,” said Jake. “But I just think that, by breaking up with me for fucking your best friend, you have lost your normal focus on restorative justice.”
“You’re more calling me out than calling me in, and that’s a serious problem for me,” he added.