In an inspiring story out of Ann Arbor, MI, much like the elusive cicada, 26-year-old Leslie Fitzpatrick only goes out every 17 years.
“It’s a remarkable natural phenomenon,” said Leslie’s mother, Martha. “Just as the cicada nymph burrows in the soil for 17 years only to be released upon maturity, Leslie, like, literally never goes out.”
Sources confirm Leslie spent the first 17 years of her life chilling at home on evenings and weekends until her mother finally convinced her she should probably go to her senior prom.
“Yeah, I went out in 2013,” Leslie told reporters from underneath her covers. “And it was fine, but I was like, I definitely don’t need to do this for a couple more decades.”
While Martha expected that this first taste of “going out” would set Leslie on the path to being a social butterfly, her cicada nature burrowed deep. When she returned home, she had no interest in ever leaving again, or at least not to leave for another molting cycle.
While Cicadas emerge from the ground only when the soil temperature reaches 64 degrees Fahrenheit, Leslie only emerges when she finally gets enough FOMO that she feels like she has to. Additionally, it must also be 64 degrees.
And much like the cicadas of superfamily Cicadoidea, kingdom Animalia, phylum Arthropoda, and class Insecta, she cannot be bothered to go to a nightclub.
Scientists have been baffled by Leslie, who spends every day building her strength by consuming a nutritious diet of oatmeal and discontinued Funions.
Entomologist Dr. Martin Wry says he’s never seen anything like this.
“Normally, we’d expect a 26-year-old to have left her house thousands of times by this point in their life, but it appears Leslie is immune to social pressure and really loves her bed.”
While there are three species of 17-year cicadas, scientists confirm there is only one reported species of Leslie.
“And damn, she’s weird,” continued Dr. Wry.
Much like the loud sound male cicadas make once they emerge to attract females, Leslie spends pretty much the entire time she’s out of the house screaming.
“It gets pretty overwhelming,” she told reporters. “I mean I go right from the warm comfort of my home to conversing with strangers in claustrophobic spaces, engaging with men in discourse about movies. It’s a lot to ask of one woman who hasn’t been outside since the Obama administration.”
At press time, Leslie does not have plans to leave her home until she turns 34, at which point she’ll probably be forced to go to a bachelorette party or something.
