In recent years, we’ve lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas. You see; it’s not about who has the fanciest lights or the best presents – it’s about going home and seeing your loved ones, and finally realizing the magic of fucking your childhood friend’s hot dad.
Clothes and gadgets come and go, the tree and garlands get taken down, but your friendship with Sophie Carlson is forever, and now it’s time to finally fuck her dad.
You can never reclaim the magic of your youth and imagining a jolly old man squeezing down your chimney. But Christmas is about more than fairy tales – it’s about spreading joy with friends far and near. It’s also about spreading your legs for Sophie’s dad who is weirdly hot for a dude in his late sixties. You’re a consenting adult, he’s divorced, and Christmas is when dreams come true.
Sure there’s a lot of lovely things about Christmas – the foods, the friendly faces. But let’s face it, there’s just no present anyone could leave under the tree that would make you as happy or satisfied as getting plowed by Sophie’s dad. And that’s the true meaning of Christmas.
Sure, you could ask Santa for a new iPhone or heeled boots, but will that really make you happy? Isn’t it better to stuff your stocking with good deeds, time with loved ones, and treasured memories by literally stuffing your stocking with DILF dick? Let go of your materialism and consumerism and embrace what’s magical about this time of year: the possibility of sex with the hottest guy who ever drove you in carpool.
Honestly, the true spirit of the season is sharing special moments, whether it’s baking cookies with your mom, hearing an old story from your grandpa, or finally getting fucked by a man you’ve wanted to have sex with since before you knew what sex was. The things that make life worth living aren’t things at all. They’re connections. They’re love. They’re fucking Mr. Carlson’s brains out because you’ve always had a crush on him, and now you finally can. As Mariah Carey says, all I want for Christmas is YOU, Mr. Carlson, whose first name is either Bret or Ben!
The birth of Christ was a miracle that resulted from Mary fucking the heavenly father, so in a way, isn’t this what Jesus would want?
So this holiday season, give yourself the one gift you can’t find in any store: the joy of fucking a guy who used to tell you to quiet down at sleepovers.
