Gift-giving is always tricky, especially because the Christmas season is an emotional trap designed to let people know how you really feel about them, which is usually complicated at best. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, but not so jolly that you freak out your guy by showing how you really feel about him. Use this special guide to find just the right present that says almost nothing revealing about your feelings. This holiday season, have some chill!
A Jacket
You just started dating someone new, and you haven’t had the “big talk” yet. Avoid being too thoughtful by buying him a regular-ass jacket. All a jacket can possibly say is, “This is a chill jacket,” which is much more casual than, “Could you see potentially spending your whole life with me?!?” Whatever you do, do NOT buy him the present he has been longing for since his fourth grade Christmas!
Whatever You Got Him Last Year
Things moving a little too fast? Hoping for a little bit of space? Help him get the hint this holiday season by just doubling up on the gift you got him last year. Instead of saying something dangerous, like, “I’m worried I’ll stop loving you someday soon,” a repeat gift is sure to say, “Hi, this is a present and I care about you exactly as much as I did last year. No more.” That will hold off the inevitable breakup until a much more convenient time, like March.
A Clock
Clocks are sometimes aesthetically appealing, but entirely useless—just like your work crush. A perfectly dull wall clock says to your wildly hot coworker, “This is so you can know what time it is.” It will mask what you really want to scream at him, which is, “I WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR BODY ALL THE TIME AND CONTEMPLATE ITS FOLDS AND EDGES, IS THAT WEIRD?”
Visa Gift Card
Have you picked the guy you used to date for the office Secret Santa? Lucky you, they’ve come up with something even less personal than the gift card: the Visa gift card! A gift card at least says, “I am aware that you might shop here,” but a prepaid Visa card says, “I am aware that you probably use money.” So do practically nothing by tossing a perfectly vague card into a red-ish bag and leaving it on the floor for him to find. No harm, no foul, no message!
So this holiday season, protect yourself from expressing your true self. Because the only thing worse than Christmas shopping is accidentally allowing your Grinch heart to grow three sizes.
