This week, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention put out a statement urging Americans to stop the practice of sharing deep kisses in the pouring rain after voicing their long-repressed feelings.
“No matter how much the pandemic has caused you to realize that you actually have feelings of love and lust for a good friend, that is not a good enough reason to stand outside their apartment in the rain, calling them down to you before you passionately and slowly kiss for all the neighbors to see,” the statement read. “We cannot emphasize the dangers of contracting COVID-19 enough.”
Despite the belief that love conquers all, CDC director, Dr. Robert Redfield, explains that now is not the time to admit to someone what you’ve been feeling all along as rain starts to pour down on you and your wet faces meet in a culmination of years of love and longing.
“I know it’s hard,” Redford explains. “Hell, I’d love to run up to the home of my high school flame and tell her what mistakes I’ve made. But we can’t keep spreading the virus. We have to flatten the curve.”
“Please don’t tell Marisa I said that.”
Redford thanks everyone who’s made efforts to stay at home.
“I know it’s spring and we all want to have barbecues and picnics and kiss under a warm rain after running six blocks to tell someone we love them. But American lives hang in the balance.”
“Plus, if you’ve waited six long years to tell someone how you feel, I think you can hold off another few months.”
