Bumble Introduces New Feature Where No One Talks First  

We all know the best part of the dating app process is haphazardly flipping through profiles and not following through on anything. For those of us tired of asking 27 new people a day about what they want in a relationship, the dating app giant, Bumble, seems to have the solution.


With the new Bumble NO!, you can put your mind at ease because now, no one gets to talk! What was initially a way to revamp the male-dominated dating app dynamic, is now the virtual padded room of meditatively mindless swiping we always needed.


At the press conference for the feature release, Bumble CEO Whitney Wolfe Herd said she had listened intently to the users who said they see Bumble as “part video game, part window shopping,” and that men on the app are “a complete waste of time, effort, and cognitive function.” Whitney really showed her innovative spirit with their new promise: “No bad guys, no good guys, no guys at all!”



Bumble NO! is now accessible for a $3 monthly fee to not talk to men in your area, and only $7 if you don’t want to talk to men all over the globe. Now you can experience the fun of absent-mindedly matching with people and never have to lengthily explain the premise of your favorite TV show just to get a half-assed “That’s so funny” in return! And he can’t ask you to come over and “vibe out” because he’s also trapped in the inescapable purgatory.


Still, need the dopamine rush and ego boost of notifications? For an additional $2 per month, Bumble will put 10 blank notifications on your app that don’t go away, no matter how many times you tap. It promises to be a pointless virtual Zen garden where you might even get to have an uninterrupted thought or two.


As with every new innovation, there will be competition in this race to see who can shut up the most. Tinder has announced their new feature that tells you the quickest route away from the person you just matched with. They expect to launch in July.