With the onslaught of new AI technology, Captcha has introduced its latest and best authentication test: recognizing when the host of the party you’re attending wants you to leave.
“Most humans can’t even do this,” said Captcha’s Lead Developer Arya White. “This test will definitely be impossible for even the most advanced robots to pass.”
The team behind this new development insists their methodology will soon be the only way to differentiate between humans and bots.
“Will a lot of actual people get lost in the mix? Sure! But will we absolutely, for certain, keep out all robots? Probably! I mean, we think so,” White continued. “But, you know, this AI stuff is getting pretty scary, who knows where it’ll be in the future? All we’re saying is that, for right now, this is the best option we’ve got.”
Other safety measures Captcha plans to implement are: being able to read between the lines when the person you’re hanging out with says, “I’m getting sleepy,” understanding when an Irish exit is both okay and actually preferable, and knowing that “arrive at 7 p.m.” really means 7:30 p.m., at the earliest.
“We’re really excited to implement these new measures,” White told reporters. “Not only will this take us leaps and bounds ahead in being able to tell humans and computers apart, it will also ensure that more people read the signals their friends are sending them to head the fuck out, lest they be labeled a robot and a Salem-esque witch hunt ensues.”
Captcha developers insist that a party host’s cues are oftentimes so subtle and hard to read that a robot could never pick up on them, let alone most people. When asked what exactly those cues were, they responded, “We weren’t actually sure, so we conducted a meta analysis and the results said common cues included things like ‘I think I’m gonna hit the hay’ and ‘Do you need me to call you an Uber or something?’ Basically, everything short of spray painting ‘Please leave’ on the walls.”
Suspicious reporters took it upon themselves to then invite White and her team over for celebratory drinks, and for an unofficial trial run of the new technology. As of press time, neither White nor any member of her team had made any moves to head out, in spite of multiple yawns and “I’ve got an early mornings” on the part of the reporters.
As of late, White and her team insist they are not robots themselves, but their own groundbreaking new technology is not convinced.
