It happens to everyone at some point in their life: You’re at an Earth Day party hosted by a person you only sort of know when you accidentally knock over your host’s beloved Kombucha Scoby. She’d been letting that Scoby ferment for almost a full year now and you just killed it in front of everyone and now she’ll have to use her backup Scoby growing in the bathroom. Here’s what to do in that very specific situation that could happen to literally anybody!
Mourn the Scoby
Even though the Scoby was made from bacteria and yeast and was not a real person, it was still alive, and so technically you did take a life and it’s best to show some respect to your Earth Day party host. Try getting on the ground next to the Scoby and crying out loud, “Why Lord! Why?” so that your Earth Day party host will know you truly feel the loss of the Kombucha starter she brought here all the way from Portland.
Bury the Scoby
The last thing any Earth Day party host wants is to bury her own dead Scoby. Do her the courtesy of taking her spilled Scoby out back and burying it beneath a tree, since you’re the one responsible for killing it. Make the grave as nice as possible. Remember: This Scoby was widely beloved by the community. So put a cross, or at least a memorial picture on the gravesite, otherwise your Earth Day party host will never invite you back, and then where would you spend Earth Day? With your family? Hah! Your family’s great, but they just don’t “get” Earth Day.
Make a New Scoby
The only thing you can do now is make a new Scoby for your Earth Day host, a gesture that she will hopefully appreciate. Will it ever measure up to her former Kombucha starter, whom everyone loved and respected so much? Probably not. Reassure your Earth Day host you’re not trying to replace her Scoby, you’re just trying to make up for killing it in public. This should help her feel better about moving on with a younger, less fermented Scoby.
Leave the Party
You’ve done everything you can to right your wrong, and now you should just leave the party. Seriously, you’ve done enough damage. Your Earth Party host doesn’t want to see you anymore so just get in your car and get out of there.
Start a New Life
Keep driving and driving and start a new life somewhere else, where no one knows about the terrible thing you’ve done.
Should the situation ever arise where you kill your Earth Day party host’s cherished yeasty friend, follow this guide to redeeming yourself. You never know when it could happen!