Ashley Dundale met with BFFs this morning to announce she would be reconsidering her breakup with her boyfriend Aaron following the failure of a projected “tidal wave of dick” to materialize.
Although Ashley received several flirty glances on her commute to work, these small exchanges have been significantly underperforming based on Ashley and her friends’ estimate of the “veritable all-you-can-fuck buffet” she would encounter post-breakup.
Several relationship issues factored into the breakup, including Aaron’s commitment issues and his horrible, shitty friends, but ultimately her choice depended on assurances from her team of advisors that single life would be “an endless supply of so much good dick and with way better haircuts.”
The possibility of reconciliation is a devastating reversal of the “Dump Aaron” decision, a move many in Ashley’s friend circle strongly campaigned for with promises of “a bottomless pool of personal trainer dick, some musician dick, and maybe even some lawyer dick.”
Insiders say a key turning point came Saturday night when, despite staying out until last call, Ashley returned home without so much as a phone number—a far cry from her girlfriends’ forecasts of “at least eight dicks to choose from”—a net loss even when compared to Aaron’s signature “lead blanket” style of lovemaking.
“When I am promised a ‘full calendar of NSFW firemen’, I expect a full calendar of NSFW firemen,” Ashley texted on Sunday morning. “And yet, here I am NOT being crushed under a squirming pile of rock-hard dicks. Honestly, considering calling Aaron right now!!!”
Ashley’s friend Taneisha adamantly denied allegations that she and other friends gave intentionally falsified reports of the single life as a “wall to wall, ball to ball free for all” in order to oust Aaron and end the relationship.
Gina, a leading voice in the “Anyone But Aaron” movement, admitted that though the “biblical plague of well-endowed fuck-locusts” may have been an exaggeration, “no one even really likes Aaron, right?”
With a rekindling seeming imminent, friends are now scrambling to convince Ashley that a “dawning age of sexual chaos” in which she would “reign over an army of lust frenzied Ryan Gosling body doubles” is still possible.
Ashley hasn’t released an official decision but made it clear that an “I miss you” text has been drafted and will be sent if she’s not “swimming in cock” by Friday.