BREAKING: Kenneth A Lot Older Than Everyone Thought

In a startling development, it is being reported that Kenneth Danvers is significantly older than his peers had previously imagined.


Kenneth’s age had never been a matter of discussion previously amongst his friend group. However, during a recent game of “Never Have I Ever”, the conversation turned to what year everyone was born in. This is when Kenneth dropped the bombshell that he was born in 1981.


“I had always assumed, like I do with everyone, that Kenneth was the exact same age as me, which is 26,” says Kennth’s friend, Alicia. “Turns out the dude’s almost 40.”


The revelation has rocked the very foundations of the friend group. Friends insist they are not shocked at the fact that Kenneth is 37, but rather at the fact that it took them this long to find out.


“Oh yeah, it doesn’t bother me at all that he’s older,” says his friend, Meredith. “Age is just a number. What bothers me is how insanely wrong I was.”


For his part, Kenneth is very nonchalant about the whole ordeal.


“I never brought it up before because it never came up before,” Kenneth tells us. “How often do people really talk about their age? I wasn’t hiding anything, but that’s not how everyone acted when they found out. Tracy literally spit out her water.”


Since finding out, the friends have been slowly discovering that there were clues that pointed to Kenneth being basically middle-aged.


“Now that I think about it,” says Matt, Kenneth’s friend, “He did tell me one time that he saw Jurassic Park in theaters when he was in middle school. If I had done some basic mental math we could have busted this thing open a long time ago.”


So will the newfound information change the way Kenneth is treated amongst his friends?


“Probably not,” says Tracy. “But goddamn, isn’t it nuts how wrong we all were? I would have predicted he was 29 at the absolute oldest.”



Kenneth’s late-in-the-friendship-game reveal of his age may have opened the door for others in the group to come forward with admissions of their own.


“I’m actually 31,” confides Kenneth’s friend, Debra. “I didn’t think anyone would be surprised, but now I’m thinking I should drop that info while the flood gates are open.”


Despite the startling twist, things have continued moving on as normal since Kenneth dropped the information. The only thing that has changed is that Kenneth is more frequently asked about television shows from the 80s.


“Suddenly everyone wants to know about Alf,” says Kenneth. “I’m like, guys, I didn’t watch Alf.”