In an incredible story of courage coming out of Minneapolis, MN, 28-year-old Emma Banner just confidently and assuredly made a decision once it became clear there were no viable alternatives.
“It feels good to decide something wholeheartedly and not second-guess yourself whatsoever,” said Emma, who had been waffling between getting a plain bagel and an everything bagel while waiting in line, only making her mind up when the person in front of her got the last everything bagel. “It really builds your confidence.”
Sources close to Emma say this is a common occurrence for her.
“If you think being indecisive over a bagel is bad, I’ve got some news for you,” Emma’s sister, Greta, told reporters. “Emma only decided which college to go to because she waited so long that the deadline passed for every single college except one. And I’m pretty sure it’s not even an accredited university.”
Emma, however, says she’s happy with her degree from The University of Thinking and Learning and is “absolutely obsessed with deciding things.”
“A decision is a decision, no matter how you get there,” Emma told reporters. “Like how I decided to stay at my college after graduation and pursue a career in new student recruitment because none of the law schools I was thinking about applying to would recognize my degree in Thinking.”
Reporters had to side with Greta in this case, noting that this was less of a “decision” and more of a “last resort.”
Greta added that while she’s happy that Emma ultimately feels confident in her decision-making once the decision has already been more or less made for her, she’s just worried that her sister isn’t always choosing the best option, but rather the option that’s left.
“Choosing pasta at a restaurant because you found out they ran out of steak is one thing,” Greta said. “Choosing to not have a heart transplant because you waited too long and the heart went to someone else is something else entirely.”
Greta was cryptic about whether or not the latter had actually happened to Emma, stating, “In some universe it did. Why not ours?”
While reporters were fairly certain that Emma still had a functioning heart, other sources said it was only a matter of time before Emma’s non-decision making style of decision making came back to bite her in the ass.
“What if she loses the love of her life because she can’t decide between him and some loser?” Emma’s roommate, Katie, asked reporters. “What if she doesn’t get her dream job because she’s so hung up with all the other random-ass job listings on LinkedIn? I’m worried about her!”
As of press time, Emma couldn’t decide whether or not she should be worried about this whole ordeal. However, after a severe bout of concerning heart palpitations eliminated the chance that there was nothing to worry about, Emma “decided” that she was really fucking worried.
