In the midst of quarantine, inside sources are reporting that Marisa Altuve’s boyfriend, Eric Cross, has apparently set aside all other long-term projects in order to focus more exclusively on growing out his terrible beard.
“It’s taking his full attention,” Marisa tells us. “I guess that new paint job in the bathroom is going to have to wait.”
Eric made the decision several weeks ago, according to sources present. Faced with an unprecedented amount of free time on his hands, Eric concluded that this would be the ideal opportunity to set aside everything else he’d been working on and put all his energy instead into growing a really embarrassing beard. This means his buddy comedy screenplay, his exercise routine, and the aforementioned home projects would all have to be put on hold while he trained his attention on the few wispy little blonde whiskers poking out near his chin.
Marisa was quick to question her partner as to why such a presumably innate biological action required so much of his time. Eric’s defense maintained that all his creative energy was being spent thinking about the beard, researching beard oils, and reading up on the most flattering beard styles for his face shape.
“I said, I think all those things are meant for people with a good, big beard,” Marisa tells us. “And even then, maybe not.”
Eric is reportedly undeterred by the lack of support from his girlfriend in his new facial endeavor, though. He’s been spending time that otherwise would have been put towards cleaning the kitchen and reading novels on more important work, such as taking lots of selfies and looking in the mirror.
So far, the results of Eric’s hard work are not promising.
“I’d call it patchy,” says Marisa. “But that implies there are patches. ‘Stringy’ is maybe more accurate.”
Still, Eric is forging ahead, despite Marisa’s gentle urgings to finish that online graphic design course he started last year.
“No time for design,” Eric tells us. “Only beard.”
While Marisa fully admits frustration with her boyfriend’s current obsession, she is willing to confess some admiration for his perseverance. In difficult times, it can be inspiring to see someone stick with something that is so clearly and evidently a disaster. And times are difficult for the couple, as Marisa is quick to point out.
“They shut off our water this morning,” Marisa says. “I guess paying bills was a pre-beard project.”
