According to reports from you looking in your mirror, your body has indeed been aging with time for some unknown reason. Despite you being certain that the rules of time only apply to everyone else, your body has started doing what everyone else’s bodies do too.
When reached for comment on the unexpected decay, you noted that you’d never thought this day would come, despite being told by every person, every Neutrogena commercial, and all of history that it would. You then asked to please respect your privacy during this difficult time, which doesn’t make a lot of sense considering this is also happening to literally everybody else.
Since the initial realization, thousands of other problems have been coming to light via your mirror and eyes. A single gray eyebrow hair, three neck wrinkles, and the crows feet you always thought your mother was being dramatic about have all suddenly manifested.
It appears as though you just didn’t notice them before because you literally thought you were Galadriel from Lord of the Rings or something.
“Can you believe it?” You reportedly said. “Yeah, I can,” said a witness who is physically close to the victim (you). “What did you think was gonna happen?”
“This is unprecedented,” says Dr. James Caldwell of Harvard University. “How could you have been so unaware that your body was going to age? That’s like the only thing we know for sure about life.”
At this point, there is no solution to your body’s problem in sight, except spending millions of dollars and thinking about nothing but your appearance for the rest of your withering life.
The exact cause of your body’s aging is unclear, unless you consider the natural progression of time, which, like, shouldn’t apply to you because it’s not fair.
