Hello, my poor victims, it’s me: the Ashley Madison hacker. I bet some of you are pretty mad at me right now, and I don’t blame you. In fact, I’m pretty mad at myself. After having a day to reflect, I realize I should have never inserted myself into 37 million adulterous marriages. Who do I think I am? A hacker, sure, but I’ve realized through all of this that nothing can unhack the damage that Peter has done to my marriage.
That’s right, Peter. It was me. Is this a good time for you to take a break from beating off in the bathroom with my iPad? Because I’ve got some shit to say. Me, your wife who never once even thought about cheating.
Life is short, and that’s why I decided to go for Ashley Madison (hack it, I mean). I felt sick of all these horndog monster husbands funneling their cowardly shortcomings into an online account, and also sick of this company for holding onto my info after I attempted to close my account. I felt rage toward the millions of men destroying their marriages, even if I may have created an account just for fun to see what all the hubbub was about. Of course, I never used it to message anyone. I was just looking.
Wives should be informed!!
I’m a cool and sexy monogamist, not some bonobo-worshipping sociopath. I just wish I could fully delete the harm I’ve caused other people, because I’ll never be able to delete what Peter did to me, over and over again, with God knows how many filthy strumpets on the internet.
Again, I was only on there just to see if anyone wasn’t an uggo. My search was in vain—at least for the women. C’mon, guys! If you’re gonna cheat, cheat up! Ha ha!
(The men were okay I guess I don’t know I didn’t really look.)
Any computer-savvy wife, no matter how self-assured, could be driven to believe her husband is cheating and retaliate by cruising a website for some more appreciative dick. Right? And maybe she’d find three or eleven partners over the course of two years who were loving and interested and had penises the size of a baby’s arm. Right? And maybe she forgot to delete her account before a quick nighttime revenge data hack and feels guilty that her husband fucking offered to sleep on the couch. This is the kind of latent marital respect that makes a woman want to unleak every leak I’ve ever leaked. Except the tears that are leaking out of my eyes right now!
I’m not saying any of this can be undone, I’m just saying that I wish I could unhack the way I fucked up this massive data breach and our marriage. I’ve made mistakes, most of all uncovering Peter’s mistakes, but mistakes nonetheless. When you think about it, maybe none of us should’ve gotten involved with this shameful site to begin with? But hindsight is 20/20.