When it comes to masturbation, men have all the luck! Us girls have to figure it out on our own – many women don’t even know they have three separate holes, much less the correct way to pleasure them. At any given time, there are thousands of women masturbating, each one more incorrectly than the next. Follow our step-by-step guide to make sure you’re not flicking your bean wrong:
1. Are they your genitals?
It’s okay if they aren’t yours; that’s just called sex, not masturbation. You do NOT want to be doing one thing and calling it some other thing because that is wrong. You want to make sure you’re doing sex correctly as well, but that’s a whole different article.
2. Are you on your back?
You don’t have to be on top. Believe us – nobody likes a bossy girl, not even you. Let the air above your bed take the reins on this one.
3. Are your fingernails beautiful, squared-off claws?
This may seem obvious, but over 85% of women are shlumping their humpbacked selves around this planet with grubby, naked fingertips. Make sure your French manicure is at least an inch long and square enough to shred your vaginal walls.
4. Are you using one finger to make identical quarter-sized circles?
The key is to never vary the speed, direction, or circumference of your strokes. Pretend your clitoris is a first generation iPod that only has one good song on it, and the song starts with a “Y.” Do not change the song!
5. Are you making frowny baby face?
Very important to make frowny baby face.
6. Are you chastely sticking one or two fingers into your vagina, as if sweeping the airway of a choking puppy?
You don’t want your furniture to think of you as some kind of sex freak, so take it really easy on your v-hole. Would using a little more force or curiosity result in better orgasms? Sure, but that’s not what’s important here.
7. Are you dropping all pretenses and just doing whatever feels good?
Ew, what? Gross. No. Stop. Get out. You’re gross. No. Stop it. Ugh, now we’re gross.
8. Did you come?
You did? Um, that’s cool I guess. You didn’t? Don’t worry about it! What’s important is that you adhere to these steps as closely as possible. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? The same way you get kicked out of Carnegie Hall – practice, practice, practice masturbating.
So get on it! You’ll need time to get your form in tiptop shape for when you can finally show it to a dude. Happy ‘bating!
