Annoying! Friend Who Won’t Shut Up About Being Vegan Will Outlive You by a Lot

In profoundly irritating news out of Burbank, CA, your annoying friend Katie who never shuts up about being vegan is definitely going to outlive you by as much as 15 years.


Sources are still wishing Katie would just shut the fuck up about it.


“Humans weren’t meant to eat as many animal products as we do today,” said Katie, whose condescending tone is as annoying as the fact that she might live to 90. “Plus, I just feel so much better!”


Wow! Katie might outlive us, but only if we don’t kill her first.


“Plus, I think that healthy, vegan bodies can exist in all sizes,” Katie added, in a way that was correct but still annoying. “It’s just so much kinder to our planet and ourselves.”


Katie really has no idea how offensive she can be when doesn’t have high blood pressure or heart disease.


“Even one day of the week where you eat plant-based food can make a big difference,” Katie said, making you want to murder her with the same avocados that make her skin look so healthy. “Just try it!”


Growing evidence is leading you to believe that sometime in the future, the very last of your generation might be the most insufferable of them all – especially Katie, who will live another 122 years.