Amateurs! No One at This Paint and Sip Is Open to Constructive Criticism

I came to this fine establishment to create serious art, to commune with fellow artists, to exchange wisdom and technical skills, to check my prejudice at the door and enter with an open mind, such that I could leave this place a finer painter and, frankly, a better person. Except now, we’re one glass of wine in and everyone’s mad at me for calling their work “dog shit”? What the fuck? No one at this Paint-and-Sip is open to constructive criticism? 


Amateurs, all of you! Fakes, the lot! Frauds and spinsters, you are! Actually, sorry about the “spinsters” thing. I think it’s super cool for women to be single. 


When my uncle gave me a coupon to this event for my birthday last year, I knew I had to be ready to bare my soul via art before I attended. I’ve spent countless hours thinking about painting and watching YouTube videos of other people doing it, so I guess you could say I’ve mastered the form. 


All of a sudden no one respects that I spent days, even hours, as an aspiring working artist? No one wants to join me in this Holy Communion with the Great Creator? 


Just because I called your self-portrait “a child’s crayon drawing no mother would hang on the fridge” doesn’t mean I am a mean person. I just think you could push yourself to be better! And isn’t that what this Saturday date-night special-edition paint-and-sip is all about? Where is my date, you ask? Shut up! She’s doing something! 


Sorry that I take paint-and-sip seriously. Sorry that I lean heavy on the “paint” part and also heavy on the “sip” part. Am I drunk? Nof tha much! Jus a normal amoun! 


Don’t let the pop music they’re blasting from the speakers fool you: This is serious work, and just because you’re content with mediocrity doesn’t mean that I am. I’m not in this for “fun” – I’m here to win. How exactly one “wins” at paint-and-sip remains to be discovered, but once I figure it out, buddy I’m doing it. 



The reality is that you fools wouldn’t know the difference between Édouard Manet and Claude Monet if it struck you between the eyes! What is the difference, you ask? Well, Manet does those lilies and Monet is the … he did the colors and … you’re distracting from the matter at hand! Which is that your poor imitation of Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” is an affront to God. 


Well, I can accept that this is not the environment for me. You plebes enjoy your cheap canvas monstrosities. I’ll be where the real artists go: the comments section of a video about the Sistine Chapel roof.