Allow Me To Set You Up With Some Guy

Hey you! Yeah you, woman I barely know. You need a boyfriend, and I have just the guy for you. OMG sorry! I’m being so rude – do you date men? Yes? OK great, then I’m gonna set you up with some guy.


No, trust me, he’s perfect for you. Let me pull up his Instagram. I swearrrrrrrr he looks so much better in person. Plus, he’s tall! Taller than some men I’ve seen him with. But I for real think you would be such a personality match. You guys have SO much in common in that I barely know anything about either of you.


Hm, why do you look so skeptical? There are so many reasons why you would be perfect together. One, you’re a single woman. Two, he’s a single guy! See! You’re a match made in heaven in that you are two people living in the same state. You do live in this state, right?


Here are some other things I know about him. He’s obsessed with music, like, it’s huge for him. Do you like music? OMG, I knew it, you guys had better invite me to the wedding. Do you promise? Pinky swear! OK, other things. He’s super close with his roommates, which is ADORBZ. He loves baseball and hockey. Oh, you’re not very into sports? That’s OK – one of the most wonderful things about being in a relationship is that you can learn from each other.


I know dating sucks. Honey, I’ve been there! But I just want you to be as happy as I am. I couldn’t imagine life without Rick. Sure, I just told you a harrowing story about how I found out he was cheating on me, and then he yelled at me for looking at his phone, and then I cried myself to sleep but he pretended he couldn’t hear and we haven’t talked about it since? But what’s your other option, you just stay single until you meet someone you really like? Girl, you crack me up!


PLEAAAAAASE just let me text him. What’s the worst thing that can happen? You have a bad date? Oh, the rejection and loneliness of a bad connection makes you reevaluate both yourself and your ability to ever find love? Nooooooo, stop! You’re such a weirdo, I’m gonna text him.


He texted me back. So fast – that’s a good sign! Sorry, I’ll stop nudging you suggestively.


Oh. He says he’s not really into your vibe. Sorry, sweetie! It’s his loss – his ex-girlfriend said he was emotionally abusive, so you dodged a bullet! What about that guy, over there, by the water fountain?