Lots of women out there are going to tell you what you want to hear: They’ll giggle at your jokes, tell you your love of Medicare for all is great, and do whatever it takes to make sure you feel comfortable at all times. Well, I’m not like those girls. I’m actually a self-appointed, self-help guru who is here to heal every soul in the Western World.
Maybe you’re looking for someone who will listen to you – one you can have a beer with. Well stop fucking dreaming cause unlike all of those girls, I was gifted with clairvoyance by an ancient deity and now I am cursed to feel the weight of our country’s trauma through vibrations in the universe.
Lots of other girls are looking to “lead” the country with “policy positions” and “credentials,” but honey, if a dolphin in a dream hadn’t told me that I was to fulfill a great prophecy one day, I wouldn’t be standing here telling you that I’m about to give those girls a call on the phone and remind them that I’m not like them. I’m a full-grown cult leader here to change the spiritual fabric of this dying corporeal world we call a “nation.”
And unlike a lot of girls who engage with popular culture and memes to appease their supporters, I feel as though I was born in the wrong generation – I’ve actually lived a thousand lives so the idea of “popular” is meaningless to me. I’m simply on one path in a series of infinite paths existing at the same moment, and your vote is as meaningless to me as the concept of “death.” While all those other girls waste their time being concerned about what they’re wearing and fearing death, I’m staring into the clouds like, “Actually, whoa.”
A lot of those other girls probably think they need a man to save them and “lead the free world.” Well honey, I’m here to tell you three things: That a load of hooey, **do not trust what Western medicine tells you**, and the Earth is most likely neither flat nor spherical, but the curved plane of a little girl growing up in the 11th dimension. And you know what I’d say to that little girl? Believe in yourself girlfriend, because you might be the next Healer of the Free World someday and it is so on.