All I Want Is a Guy to Cuddle Me and Fight to The Death to Defend My Honor

I’m a simple girl who is pretty low-maintenance when it comes to guys. I’m not asking for the moon! In fact, my dream guy is just a guy who will cuddle me, watch Netflix on the couch with me, and, of course, fight to the death to defend my honor at the drop of a hat. Is that so hard to understand?


It’s a desire so basic, it’s almost boring to talk about. Don’t get me wrong: I have nothing against serious relationships. I think they’re great! But I just want someone I can have fun with, who’ll give me space when I need it, and sacrifice his life for mine when it’s appropriate.


He doesn’t have to hold my purse, or profess his undying love to me, or even tell me I’m not fat when I ask him—he just has to thrust himself into whatever danger lay before us and possibly die in order to protect me. That’s not a serious relationship––that’s just being a nice guy!



I won’t apologize for rejecting dated social norms like diamond rings, weddings, and babies! I happen to be comfortable taking things slow and simple. Just ask anyone! My last guy, Craig, was a good partner because he was so thoughtful without being overbearing. He came over when I wanted him to, didn’t text me too much, and fell on someone else’s dagger to save me from imminent danger without even thinking about it! Things don’t have to be exclusive to be good!


Sure, sometimes I do dream of something more in a romantic partner. Do I want a guy who’s a good cook? Sure, that’d be cool. Handsome? Sounds great! Sweet to his mother? Of course. But the true test to determine whether a guy is worth my time is to send him off empty-handed and wait for years for him to return, trembling and soaked in the blood of my enemies. It’s important for me to remember that I don’t need any man, except for when he is defending my honor with his own life. Is that so much to ask?