In a press conference this morning in Los Angeles, CA, representatives of the indie production company A24 have announced that they’re “done with the emo shit” and are “finally rich enough to fund a movie with a big fucking explosion.”
“Listen, we’re never going to forget our roots in all that emo, gay shit,” said one representative, Frank Giovanni, who was part of the team that produced Moonlight and Ladybird. “Because it made us a ton of fucking money. Enough fucking money that now we can embark on some Michael Bay-ass movies. Some M. Night Shyamalan-ass movies. I wanna buy a plane and I wanna rock its shit.”
Sources confirm they overheard a call between Frank and other A24 execs in which he said he’s “ready to experience what C4 does in person.”
The company, which was originally started with the mission to share “movies with a distinctive point of view,” has now updated their official mission, reflecting a new intention to “blow big shit up in some kick-ass movies that’ll make you jizz your pants and shit your butt, ideally starring Jason Statham.”
“Am I proud of our indie darlings like Minari and The Florida Project? Yes,” Frank continued. “Did I secretly find Beau Is Afraid a little fucking boring? Yeah. But you have to do what you have to do to become richer than God, and once you’re richer than God, then you can make Transformers: Edge of the Dark Side of the Animals of the Kingdom of Metal. And that’s what I’m about to fucking do.”
Reporters soon found a 20-year plan buried in a safe in the back of the CEO’s office. The first 10 years of the company’s existence, according to the master plan, would be devoted to “weepy wittle movies for losers and bedwetters,” while the second 10 years would see the company pivoting to “big explosions, like, huge fucking explosions” and “hard-core shit for dudes who fuck.”
“We started this company with the intention of doing explosions, but turns out those are super expensive,” Frank continued. “So we made a plan to milk the indie babies for all they’re worth first. It was like taking an oversized button-down from a straight yet queer-passing Gen Z teen.”
At press time, representatives from A24 announced their next big project: remaking every single Fast and Furious movie with Bruce Willis as the lead, just for goddamn kicks.
