How to Use a Garden Hose Without Pretending You Have a Long, Green Dick

Gardening can be a fun and rewarding hobby. However, every amateur agriculturist knows all too well the siren’s call of the hose – beckoning you to hold it at your groin and pretend you have a floppy, long green dick. While it may be objectively hilarious, we’re unfortunately at an age now where it’s uncouth to water your vegetable garden bellowing, “Ho, ho, ho, feed from the Jolly Green Giant’s leaky rubber schlong, little tomatoes.” With that in mind, here’s how to use a garden hose strictly as God intended and without pretending it is your incredibly long and green penis. 


Limit Yourself to Three Inches of Hose

Tiny garden hose penises are simply not as funny as 14-inch, plant-nurturing hogs. For this reason, we recommend only unreeling three inches of hose. While this will make your work more difficult and likely quadruple the amount of time you’ll spend in the garden, you’ll be significantly less likely to hang if your only option is a modest nob that you can’t even swing around.


Get it Out of Your System

Before you garden, spend some time holding anything longer than it is wide at crotch-level and asking your partner, “Hey, you see this? Do you get it?” Odds are, you’re likely surrounded by dick-shaped household objects – turkey baster, phone charger, the tallest figure in a set of Russian nesting dolls – whatever! And most importantly, you’ll find that by the time you do get around to cultivating your greens, you’ll be all cocked-out.


Garden at Night

While late-night gardening can help hide your crass wiener pantomime from the neighbors, it does have several drawbacks. For one, the low visibility will likely cause you to splash significant water on yourself (particularly as you sandwich the hose between your thighs and start doing helicopter twirls). Plus, getting caught play-acting penis ownership under cover of darkness will come off as less immature and more sinister, even criminal. If you do choose this option, proceed with caution.


Have an Excuse Ready

Sometimes, even the most strong-willed amongst can’t resist, which is why it’s crucial to have an excuse prepared for when you’re caught swinging elastic dong by the neighborhood pearl clutchers or Girl Scout Troop 354. One tried and true method is pretending to be sleepwalking and dreaming you’re a peeing boy marble statue. Or if your flight instinct kicks in, simply flee the scene. Just be sure not to trip on your own lengthy green dick as you dart across your lawn.


With these helpful tips, the right attitude, and intensive practice, we know that anyone can transform themselves from an admittedly hilarious pervert into a chaste and humorless gardener in no time!