Clogs That Say, ‘I Have a Literary Tattoo, But Only My Live-In Boyfriend Will Ever See It’  

Aneria Clog (L’Artiste, $100)

These patterned teal clogs will have everyone thinking, “A young woman? In these homeschooler mom-ass shoes? Must be kinky as hell, too bad it’s all going to waste on her live-in long-haired boyfriend, Aliks.” But what they don’t know is that sex isn’t the only thing Aliks is getting exclusive access to in your non-toxically monogamous, technically-queer-because-you’re-co-parenting-your-cat-Friedrich-with-your-gay-roommate-who-secretly-hates-you-both relationship. Your stringy-haired beau is also the only one who gets his peepers on that Toni Morrison sternum piece. You’re walking a fine line, Astrid! So enjoy these clogs that are as comfortable as curling up with a good book and as supportive as your cohabitant love. Here’s hoping you and Kellan can make it to the Catskills soon!