By Mark Braun
Guys love to date girls who aren’t slimy sea creatures because they’re just so easy and agreeable. What’s the secret to their success? See below:
They Breathe Air
Girls who aren’t slimy sea creatures breath air, and when you take them to a nice Italian restaurant, don’t make strange noises after an hour or have to stick their tentacles into the lobster tank for relief.
They Don’t Eat Eels and Crustaceans in Bed
You’ll never wake up next to a girl who isn’t a slimy sea creature to find her crunching the shell of a clam in her powerful jaw, or dripping the guts of an eel on your pillow. Girls who aren’t creatures from the sea just know that that’s not what guys like in bed!
They Know How to Drive a Car and Have Legs to Do So
Girls who aren’t slimy sea creatures know that you don’t always want to be the designated driver and they’re perfectly capable of taking a shift on a long road trip. They don’t look at you quizzically the first time you open a car door for them, as if they’ve never ridden in a car during their 3,000 years on Earth.
They Prefer Kale to Kelp
Girls who aren’t creatures of the deep will happily munch on salads and other fruits and vegetables that grow on land. In fact they generally prefer these to raw kelp and sea cucumbers that were suctioned from the ocean floor. When you go to kiss them after a meal, their face won’t be sopping wet and slippery.
They Aren’t Ruled by the Moon
Girls who aren’t slippery Merrow-maidens won’t interrupt a romantic evening to shriek into the sky. Land girls follow their own rules rather than the strict doctrines of the Moon Goddess and won’t have weird excuses when you ask why they’re not in the mood.
They Can Kick Back with a Beer
Girls who aren’t sea creatures don’t need to drink the blood of virgin dolphins to relax. They’re just as happy with a beer or whatever’s available at the party. And they won’t criticize your friend’s record collection claiming that nature produces the most powerful rhythms on her own.
Their Swims Don’t Last for Three Weeks
When a girl who isn’t a sea creature says, “I’m gonna go for a swim,” she doesn’t disappear into the murky night not to return for three moon phases and offer vague excuses about appeasing the sea sprites. A girl who isn’t a sea creature does a few laps, exits the ocean in under an hour, and is happy to sit on a towel and chat about how your job is going.
They Don’t Try to Change You
Girls who aren’t dark-eyed sea wraiths won’t try to change you from the responsible full-time employee that you are. They won’t ask you to undergo a fiery transformation in order to bind your soul and body to theirs for an eternity in order to create a new, stronger breed, fit to defeat the forces of Triton. A girl who isn’t a sea creature can already see your positive traits.
They Don’t Need to be Constantly Impregnated
When a girl isn’t a reincarnation of her own filmy, scaled mother, she doesn’t expect to breed on a 12-hour cycle, after which she wants to deposit her eggs into the rising tide. A girl who isn’t a slimy sea monster knows that the guy she’s seeing may not be ready for fatherhood and that he should have a say in propagating a mysterious and untrustworthy race of shape shifting underwater beings.