8 Turtlenecks to Divert Your Family From Your Glaring Asexuality

Sick of spending the holidays defending yourself against confused family members who want to know why you never seem to be getting laid by either gender? Throw on one of these stylish turtlenecks and shift the conversation from your lack of interest in physical intimacy to “where did you get that snappy dickie!”


  • The Innocent Angel

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    Who could possibly believe you’re not boning it up with dudes when you’re dressed in this dazzling pink neck hugger? For added effect, raise your voice an octave so you sound like a little girl. Your family will totally forget that you were supposed to be married 10 years ago.
  • The Sporty Shorty

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    Draw attention away from your sex life and toward your athletic prowess with this sporty lycra number. Its thin mesh weave will leave you cool and dry as you sweat through your mother’s unsubtle interrogation techniques.


  • The Bright Side

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    No living creature could focus on your stunted sexual growth when faced with this glaring long-sleeve gem. Pair it with matching pants and your grandmother will exclaim, “Now that’s a look for a night on the town with the fellas!”


  • The Chunky Knit

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    Woven to perfection, your Aunt Matilda will be much too enamored with the knit-work on this sweater to consider the fact that you just might not be interested in a sexual relationship with another person, and that doesn’t make you a freak, okay?


  • The Total Distraction

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    With its stripes and wavy armpit-shoulder bands, this beauty will completely confuse your relatives, leading them to wonder what the heck is going on with kids these days, instead of concerning themselves with your “alternative” lonely existence.


  • The Sex Pot

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    No one expects a sexless spinster to walk into Nana’s house wearing a leather turtleneck. Let your family believe you’ve done a 180 and are now into the “kinky sex scene.” After all, the holidays are all about charitable giving, so give them something to talk about!


  • The Escape Pod

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    If your family is a ruthless group of personal terrorists, consider a cowl neck that can be pulled up over your face when things get rough. With all that space to hide, they’ll all but forget you were even there to judge in the first place –  or maybe just think you have a vicious cold.