Maybe things have gotten too repetitive. Maybe he’s been thrusting too long. Maybe you just want it all to end so you can catch the new episode of Scandal. When you’re sick of waiting for him to get off, have your phone in hand with these songs ready to go and you’ll be sure to make him literally get off of you and leave.
Ray Parker Jr. – “Ghostbusters”
He loves the title song from the hit 1984 blockbuster comedy, but there is literally no way to make the phrase, “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts” sexy. So feel free to sing along as loudly and as often as possible.
Reel 2 Real – “I Like to Move It”
This song is an endurance test. If he’s not irritated the tenth time they say, “I like to move it, move it,” then he’s certain to be irritated the 57th time they say, “I like to move it, move it.” It might be fun to count how many “I like to move it, move its” it takes before he packs up his boner and goes home.
Boots Randolph – “Yakety Sax”
That’s right, the theme song from Benny Hill. It lets him know this isn’t a special moment – this is a farce. And even if he doesn’t pull out, at least it might make him finish in twice the speed he normally would.
Mousse T – “Horny”
No one likes desperation. And nothing screams desperation more than this dance hit from 1998. Sure, men like it when you say you’re horny. But not when you say you’re horny over and over and over again for three-and-a-half minutes. So when it’s over, play it again and remind him how repetitive he’s being.
Billy Joel – “We Didn’t Start the Fire”
Maybe we didn’t start the fire, but this song is sure to extinguish it. His will to hump can’t even compete with Billy Joel’s rapid-fire paean to American history. He’s guaranteed to stop humping you by the time Billy gets to the 1960s.
The B-52s – “Rock Lobster”
Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson’s shrieking and Fred Schneider’s signature vocal style make up a kitsch-filled assault on his boner in this 1978 hit. Campy fun is great, unless you’re using it to make his humping seem like a massive joke. He’ll get off you in no time.
Sheena Easton – “Morning Train (9 to 5)”
This is the nuclear option. This song about making love might actually be the least romantic song ever recorded. It’s cute and bouncy, syrupy sweet and relentlessly annoying. There is no way a man can hump to this song without throwing up, and any third grader knows that throw-up ends whatever activity you’re doing for the rest of the day.
Remember, you need to be totally committed to these songs in order to put a halt to his humping. Good luck!
