You’ve probably heard it said that real friends are there for you no matter what. Well, so are those kinda shitty friends you’ve been spending time with, but in a more expendable, interchangeable way. These are the pals who will go with you when your sister is in a play you know won’t be good, the true blues you vent to when your mom isn’t picking up the phone, the buddies who wait in the wings while your BFF is in Brazil. They might not be great, but they are around. Welp, here they are:
1. Becca
Becca is so sweet and simple. She hasn’t ever tried Thai food and her favorite kind of music is a capella. What?? The naive way she approaches the world is adorable and kind of inspiring! She’ll do for now.
2. Jon
Jon has maybe never asked a follow-up question in his life. He’s the kind of fella who will take any of your input as an interruption and then just go back to whatever he was saying originally. But he seems to have a lot of free time to go to shows with you when all your better options cancel, so yay Jon!
3. Marie
Marie is TOO FUN. She is always good at coming up with fun plans and providing you with drugs. Too bad MDMA is the only thing you have in common. She kind of scares you, but if all your other friends are too broke to go with you to Burning Man this year, you’ll settle for her.
4. Stewart
If you want the facts, or even if you don’t want the facts, Stewart’s your guy. He knows everything there is to know about the future of space exploration, Die Hard, and communism. Do you care? No, but you did feel like getting drunk on Thursday and felt a little alcoholic-y doing it alone.
5. Mark
Mark has absolutely no shame, which is totally amazing, but maybe a little bit of shame can be a good thing? Because he just walks around saying the first thing that occurs to him all the time. Loudly. At your ex-boyfriend’s wedding that you wanted to bring a guy to—any guy. Mark is the perfect “any guy”.
6. Rosa
Rosa loves YouTube and that is her whole thing, but she’ll do in a pinch. Watching animal videos with her is just one step above watching those same animal videos by yourself in your bed.
7. Julie
Julie has a girlfriend, and she loves telling you about how great their relationship is, about the amazing dinner they had, or about the inside joke she has never quite explained. It’s the kind of conversation that can fill up a lonely dinner, but somehow leave you feeling more alone than before. Thanks, Julie—at least she lives within walking distance.
Are you using them? Yes. But to be honest, they’re probably using you—as a receptacle for their boring anecdotes. So drop one of your pseudo-friends a line tonight! We guarantee it’ll be fine.
