Getting to the gym is hard: The only thing that’s harder than going to the gym is coming up with a reason to skip the gym altogether. Next time you’re left with no excuse to avoid your workout, try these easy pre-gym habits that will make it nearly impossible for you to make it there:
Meticulously Craft the Perfect Workout Playlist
Start off with Katy Perry’s “Roar,” then add Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off.” Soon, the only thing you’ll be motivated to work out is why two ladies with such similar taste in men can’t get along. Who has time for the gym when there are 786,000 think pieces to read?
Whether it’s because you’ve fallen into a carb-induced slumber or you’re spending the afternoon in the bathroom, scarfing enough food will surely keep you from leaving your house, Try some fun, risky food options such as enchiladas, rich, creamy dairy products, or the entire sleeve of those Girl Scout cookies you’ve been hiding in your gym bag.
A car can’t run without fuel, and your body can’t run without food! Stop eating for a few days, and you just may be lucky enough to pass out from low blood sugar before you can come within 20 feet of an elliptical machine.
Hit a Happy hour
Pumping iron may be good for your muscles, but nothing gives your liver a workout like two-for-one margarita specials. Stay until your sweat smells like cheap tequila – if you don’t, the moderate amount of alcohol might actually get you amped up to work out harder. You don’t want to do that. Remember, you can’t get to the gym if you’re too drunk to find it!
Get a Brazilian Keratin Treatment
This hair-straightening treatment forbids you from wetting your hair for three whole days – meaning sweating is off-limits. Bonus: Train yourself to sniff those formaldehyde fumes mid-treatment, and you’ll be out of commission for even longer! Maybe forever!
Stage Your Own Kidnapping
Set the ransom just high enough that it takes your family a couple of days to raise the money. Make sure you hide yourself somewhere comfortable with lots of snacks – don’t make the rookie mistake of stashing yourself in a basement that also holds workout equipment, or you’ll be back where you started!
Remember: There are plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t go to the gym today. You just need to find them!