With Mother’s Day right around the corner, there is no time like the present to figure out which of your six aunts deserves a card. For your convenience, we’ve compiled a list of aunts, ranked from best to worst. Don’t feel bad – this is a merit-based and scientific way to figure out which aunt has earned your attention, and which one should be blocked on Facebook.
1. Aunt Shelly
Way younger than the rest of your aunts, Shelly was obviously an oopsie-baby. She gives you age appropriate gifts, rarely comments on your embarrassing party photos on Facebook, and can talk with you for hours about Netflix binge-watching and progressive politics. Aunt Shelly gets how to keep things fun and light, jokingly acknowledging that she has had sex before without getting too deep or personal. Plus, she totally bought you a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade for your junior prom. Aunt Shelly rules.
2. Aunt Barbara
Kind of a wild card since your mom cut her out of your lives, but she was your favorite when you were little. She used to help you draw devil horns on all the coloring book characters, and always had cool haircut ideas for your Barbies. She even let you drive her car once! Now she’s living on a houseboat because of something your mom calls “the accident.” Cool, Aunt Barb!
3. Aunt Kathy
Aunt Kathy is always just on the cusp of being a great aunt, but consistently misses the mark. She’ll send you a care package full of Toblerones, except they’re all expired. Aunt Kathy never quite “got” you but you have to give her credit for trying. Swing and a miss, Aunt Kathy, swing and a fucking miss.
4. Aunt Linda
Too religious, yet weirdly flirty with every single guy you’ve ever brought home. Aunt Linda wishes she were Aunt Shelly, but in this really sad, pathetic way. Her house has a massive wine cellar, so that helps balance things out at family functions, but it’s full of unnecessarily sexual Jesus-on-the-cross paintings.
5. Aunt Deb
The weirdest of all the aunts. She lives in a modern home in the woods, refuses to upgrade her 20-year-old Palm Pilot, and owns several illegal reptiles. You have explained the concept of a podcast to her roughly 300 times, but she still can’t quite get a handle on it. Aunt Deb is a little too open about how much she is sexually attracted to Jamie Oliver and how much she dislikes your sister. What’s so bad about your sister? She’s trying. Aunt Deb needs to cool it.
6. Aunt Beth
I think can all agree Aunt Beth is a real piece of shit and everybody knows it. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell her your shellfish allergy is not a choice. She will always lie to you about what does and doesn’t have shrimp in it, so when there’s a party at her house, you have to pack your own meal so you don’t die. What the fuck, Aunt Beth? She’s openly mean to everyone, and seems to derive power from her cruelty. Plus, she always asks if you’ve gained weight. Aunt Beth is a garbage person who owns too many doll figurines.
You can’t choose your family, and you definitely can’t choose your aunts. Keep an eye out for these aunts roaming around town this spring!
