You worked hard to win Best Smile, land the lead role in The Crucible, and be the first girl to lose her virginity. If you think the days of reliving your high school achievements are over simply because it’s been more than a decade since you graduated, think again! Use any of the five following methods and you’ll be regaling your loved ones with stories from your exhilarating adolescence in no time!
Disguise your nostalgia as foreplay.
Tie your consenting man to the bedpost and stick a ball gag in his mouth. Once his mouth is secured shut, you’ll be the only one getting a word in edgewise—talk about a captive audience! Now you can recite the story behind any high school accolade without interruption. Make sure to use your sexiest whisper voice when you say, “I would have gotten ‘Best Nature Poem’ if Bessie Newton hadn’t cheated her way into honors English.” He’ll be super turned on by the fact that “writing has always been an outlet for you.” A win/win for everyone involved!
Dust off your old American Girl doll collection.
Dolls are the best listeners. Get all the ladies together for a roundtable discussion about Y-O-U, but be sure to leave out Samantha. Between her wealth, orphan status, and luxurious brown locks, she’ll distract from your praiseworthy accomplishments. Go ahead and relive your volleyball championship-winning assist with the less threatening dolls in the group, like Molly!
Write your achievements on sheets of paper, fold them into paper airplanes, and send them flying.
Toss a few high-flying achievements into the cubicle of that uppity new hire, or the window of the man who stupidly left you for someone who was probably not her middle school’s salutatorian. Some people may complain of paper cuts or sharp edges, but do you really want those judgmental people in your life anyway? Answer: no! Send the spoilsports one final paper airplane with a message terminating the relationship. Bye haters! You and your sportsmanship certificate will be over here!
Call 911.
Those people must be so bored: nothing but bad news! They’re sitting by the phone praying for someone, ANYONE, to call with something POSITIVE to say, like how you got a perfect score on your road test when you were only a sophomore. You’ll totally be doing them a favor by entertaining the operators and relieving them from their daily sentence of negativity. If you play your cards right, they might even let you drive the ambulance! Score!
Seize an audience by making an entrance no one will soon forget.
For instance, why not recreate your days playing Peter Pan by rigging a way to FLY into your next business meeting? We’ll see who remembers it’s Cheryl’s birthday after that! You’ll have everyone’s full attention and admiration as you retell your tales of high school glory. Not sure you have the skills or production value to pull off something so grand? Don’t worry! A flailing fall or violent coughing episode can also make an impact. Just be sure to follow it up with a quick anecdote about your stint as president of your school’s Amnesty International chapter before the crowd around you disperses.
Now that you’ve got the tools, get on out there and get your gab on! Worried about running out of accomplishments to discuss? Don’t be! If you run low, just start to make ‘em up! I assure you, as time goes on, your fake triumphs will grow to feel as authentic as your real ones.
