Congrats on your divorce or broken engagement! You finally tossed that d-bag to the curb. Now you can cash in on the ice he gave you when he was pretending to be a human being. Use the dough to stop pretending to be a human being yourself. (You can get big bucks for that useless engagement ring.) But what to spend his money on…
Gay Porn – Buy a year’s worth of a dozen gay porn magazines and humiliate that bro-ey ex of yorus. Make sure at least one of them is full of “the hairy kind he likes.” Try to stagger the delivery dates so that he gets one every couple of days. For added fun, have them shipped to your ex-mother-in-law’s house. That should traumatize the whole family and spark some interesting family discussions about why the two of you split up.
A Witch Doctor – Hit him where it really hurts—everywhere. Splurge on as many curses as you can. Have him go bald. Give him a hunchback. Make him crave broken glass. If you decide to go with a voodoo doll, make sure to do a lot of damage to the crotchal region. It isn’t like he knows what to do with that area anyway.
Poison Blow Darts – You’ve always wanted to try killing someone with a really sharp spitball, and now you have an excuse. The money you get from offloading his ring should be enough to get you a blowgun, several blow darts for practice, and at least a few poison dart frogs that you can use to make your darts as venomous as your heart.
A Rabid Weasel – Buy a weasel, inject it with rabies, and put it in his gym locker. Nothing says “I don’t love you anymore” like a diseased rodent-dog leaping from his personal space while he stands there in a towel. Plus, once he pries the critter from his flesh, he will get banned from the gym and have to get a series of rabies shots. Triple score!
Ice Fishing – Revenge is best served cold, right? Hire a couple of goons to nab your ex from his new girlfriend’s house, and call an Uber on a a holiday rate spike to kidnap him and leave him somewhere along the Arctic Circle. While he is out of town, fill his apartment with dead fish and turn up his furnace to at least 80 degrees.
The possibilities are endless, really. Just remember that when they say diamonds are forever, they are talking about the scars you can leave on him when you sell the one he gave you. Get your money’s worth, girl.
