Some things can be a real buzzkill when you’re trying to impress a first date, like your deformed parasitic twin, Gerta. How can you avoid tough questions like, “What happened to her face?” or “Is she going to keep trying to touch me during sex?” Try these six simple tricks to conceal her misshapen body and occasional murmuring. It’ll be like she’s not even there!
1. Wear an oversized, twin-hiding sweater.
Play with proportion by pairing an oversized sweater with skinny jeans. It’s a great way to show off your curves while concealing Gerta’s grotesque form. This look adds mystery and may lead him to wonder what lies beneath!
2. Silence her moans with a cute patterned scarf!
A great scarf is a fashion statement for any season. What better way to deploy it than by wrapping it around both your necks and shoving it deep down Gerta’s garbled throat? No more unintelligible moans of pain and frustration ruining your playful banter with Keith!
3. Drape her in black fabric.
Dark colors recede from the eye, making them naturally slimming. If you wear a bright patterned dress and drape Gerta in black, all he’ll be looking at is how well you pull off the color orange. The blackout fabric will trick Gerta in to thinking it’s nighttime so she can fall asleep.
4. Carry her in a basket and pretend she’s a tiny dog.
Once Gerta’s in a cute little basket, you can easily toss her scraps of your meal into her disproportionately large, diseased mouth to keep her quiet. He’ll be as in the dark as she is! Hahahaha! You’re so winning this.
5. Sling her onto your back and hunch over a cane to pretend you’re an elderly Russian woman.
How better to impress a guy than to go in disguise as an older woman? Gerta makes a great hunchback, and he’ll appreciate your work as a character actress. It’s not lying; it’s role-playing!
6. Just go topless!
Don’t be shy! If he can’t take his eyes off your boobs, how will he notice Gerta’s deformed genitalia poking out of your ribcage? Keep his attention where it belongs – on your sexy bod! He’ll miss the streams of drool Gerta’s spewing down your back when he’s thinking about is what he has to do to get lucky. What a flirty first date!
Dating with a parasitic twin can be tough, but don’t give up! Just be yourself and conceal her from view and you’ll end up with a hot new boyfriend in no time. And who knows? Once you’re taken, you might help Gerta find a monstrous little troll for herself!