It’s Sunday, you’re out with the Brunch Crew, and everybody’s having a blast! Just when you thought nothing on earth could spoil the intimate richness of friendship and hollandaise, the topic of conversation takes a turn for the uncomfortable. Trish just said something super racist—the same racist thing that got her kicked out of the grocery store last summer. You guys already had a talk about this the last time, so here are five fake phone calls to get up and out before things get really messy!
The Boss Needs Dog Advice
Ruh-roh! The boss just called and her Dachshund is pooping out pink slime again! Look as concerned as possible as you nod your head and say things like: “Yikes!” “Oh no, not again” and “Bleach should do the trick.” While everyone at the table starts to squirm, this little excuse will get you out of there before she says that thing about immigrants again.
Your Cousin Just Offered You Billy Joel Tix
Oh my god! Your cousin is calling you and urgently needs to let you know that she’s been given two tickets to see your childhood babysitter’s fave singer, Billy Joel, in concert! How could you pass that up? Jump up and down, hum some tunes, and say things like “I love pianos so much” and “Where on Long Island?” Your friends will understand why you have to leave to take this super important call–you go see one of the world’s most successful musicians, and let them deal with how Trish is deciding to pronounce that word!
Chatty Seven-Year-Old Calls Wrong Number
Huh? Who’s this spunky little chatterbox that just called your cell? A confused little lad named Tyler just mistakenly called you thinking it was his sister, and started off on a tangent about how cool it would be if dinosaurs could shoot lava at the moon. What an earful! Say things like “Tyler, slow down”, “I think you might have the wrong number, buddy”, and “But then who would take care of the Volcano Kingdom?” You talking with this youngster will warm your friends’ hearts, and encourage them to talk to Trish like a seven-year-old about how words hurt. And maybe also stop inviting Trish to brunch in the first place??
Pluto Is a Planet Again
Hark! It’s your very quiet vibrating cell phone with a call from your college roommate (the astrophysicist) to remind you that Pluto’s officially a planet again! Some phrases you could utter to make the fake call convincing include “Cosmic!”, “The solar system is big”, and “This is news that requires all of my attention right now.” The ladies will think it’s so cool that you’re interested in science and take control of the Trish situation, who one of the busboys is scolding through tears of rage and confusion!
You Left The Oven On, and it Exploded So Much
This last fake call option is by far the most extreme, but if used properly can get you out of that brunch and back home, far away from Trish and her foaming-mouth diatribes about sports mascots and the value of random TSA checking. Your landlord just called––this time, you DID leave the oven on, and this time it exploded all over the place! Say things like: “Aw! So much for turnovers tonight!” Your buds will feel bad and let you off the hook just in time for Trish to have put that “Halloween mask” she was praised for at the Trump rally, so now is as good a time as any to scram and check out the fictional blast crater in your kitchen!
Hopefully these tips help you fake a call the next time Trish says something deeply xenophobic and unsettling. Sometimes you’re just not in the mood to even acknowledge that you have a friend who is a quantifiably bad person!
