Can’t remember if you used a condom last night? It’s okay. Just pick up a Plan-B pill and nip your worries in the bud! While you’re at the pharmacy, why not pick up a few of those store-brand Gold Emblem treats you’ve been eyeing, but never had an excuse to splurge on. These five CVS Gold Emblem brand snacks are perfect for emotional-eating away that tiny shred of shame left after you’ve already popped your $50 insurance policy.
“Naturally Flavored” Fudge Fiber Brownies
Gold Emblem Fudge Fiber Brownies are a must. The Plan-B pill brings on period-like symptoms like abdominal cramps, headaches, vaginal bleeding, and the general shame and embarrassment of being a woman. Is there any better menstrual comfort than chocolate? And hey, we’ve all had menstrual diarrhea, right? A little fiber might go a long way.
“Pasteurized” Cheddar Cheese Snack
Nothing says, “I don’t care about my well-being right now” like a can filled with cheese paste. Whether you pair your Gold Emblem “Pasteurized” Cheese Snack with Gold Emblem “Naturally Flavored” Buttery Snack Crackers, or just spray it directly into your mouth, you’re sending a clear message to your body that you have bigger problems right now.
Diet Cranberry “Juice Cocktail”
If you can’t even remember if you used a condom, you probably can’t remember if you peed after sex, either. Avoid an expensive visit to the urologist and stop that UTI in its tract, right now! With Gold Emblem Diet Cranberry Juice Cocktail, you can do it low-calorie style, which is great, considering all the other crap on this list is seriously fatty, and you’re going to be feeling a whole other load of self-hatred for eating it.
“Absolutely Divine” Luxury Wafers
With all that self-flagellation, you’re going to need a good laugh: Gold Emblem Absolutely Divine Luxury Wafers are full of comedic potential. For example, let’s say your roommate is saying, “Don’t Cry! You’re really not a slut!” but you keep crying. She can pretend to use one as a cigarette and say, “Absolutely Divine” like she’s Cruella De Ville and you’ll crack up while still crying! Hilarious! No? Whatever, you’re just in a bad place right now.
Pot-Ready Spaghetti
If you’re feeling particularly regretful, Gold Emblem Pot-Ready Spaghetti is definitely the snack for you. By the time you’ve gotten water to boil, you may not have energy left to break spaghetti in half. While you’re paralyzed with self-judgment and lack tools to process it, Pot-Ready Spaghetti will keep you from starving to death. At the low price of $1.67 per box, stock up on it, at least until you can find a good therapist. When you’ve stopped beating yourself up seven months later, you’ll be ready to hate yourself all over again for the Pot-Ready Spaghetti weight you gained.
Everyone makes mistakes, and thanks to modern medicine this one is 89% fixable! Oh, you didn’t realize there’s an 11% chance it might not work? Oh… um… sorry? Guess you might want to buy a few more snacks.
