Like most reasonable women, you probably live in mortal fear that wrinkles will attack your face when you least expect it and most deserve it. You have some basic golden rules: aggressively moisturize, steer clear of tanning beds, and only smoke when drunk. But you’re probably completely oblivious to the single greatest danger to your youthful complexion: vowel sounds. Every “a,” “e,” “i,” “o,” and “u” puts stress on your fragile facial muscles, which in turn erodes your skin’s collagen cells and destroys all chance you had of aging gracefully into a MILF.
While it’s okay to use the occasional vowel sound to greet your in-laws or testify in court, if you make it a daily practice, you’re basically taking a pick ax to your complexion. Ideally, you should eliminate all vowel sounds from your daily conversations. If that’s simply not practical for your lifestyle, then cut down on these particularly damaging ones, ASAP:
1. ō
You cavalierly use this vowel sound to say words like “old crone,” “Yoplait Yogurt,” and “Botox,” but you may not realize that each time you contort your face into an “o,” you etch the creases around your mouth deeper and deeper. It’s not worth it! Nobody’s going to want a wrinkled woman’s “opinion.” To keep your face unlined and immobile, replace the “o” sound with a caveman-like grunt. Your skin will “glow” like “whoa,” which you’ll describe as “Nnghhhah, bungah.” Nice swap!
2. ī
The “ī” sound may feel harmless when you’re singing “Eye of the Tiger” at karaoke, but if you overindulge in this vowel sound, you’ll seriously stress the delicate skin cells around your word-maker. Can you say, “fine lines”? Good, but don’t! If you’d prefer not to look like a talkative prune in your golden years, take a cue from beauty insiders: Substitute the ī vowel sound with a subtle, sexy tongue flick! Divine! Or should we say, dl’vl’ne!
3. ē
Ah, the sinister ē sound, commonly used to describe “Pete’s squeaky clean peen.” Each time you tense your mouth to pronounce “ē” you’re creating tiny tears, wrinkles, and cracks in your skin, while also boring everyone around you with “deets” about your new favorite “heepy hour.” Instead, take a cue from savvy, forward-thinking women who know to replace the “ē” sound with a swan-like hand gesture. Chic? No. Ch—(slap)—c!
4. ü
The “ü” sound may seem “cute” when “you” ask your “boo” to call an “Uber pool,” but “soon” you’ll “rue” the way you “doomed” the “smooth” skin of your “youth.” Indeed, the gash-like wrinkles induced by the “ü” sound are as annoying as your stories! So how do you stop ironing creases into your face like a “doofus?” Become a ventriloquist and learn to say “ü” words without moving a single muscle in your mouth! With a ventriloquist dummy in your arms, nobody knows that you’re a vain, narcissistic lady on a quest for a wrinkle-free existence. They’ll just think you’re a brave glass-ceiling shattering female ventriloquist! “Superb!”
After you cut these four vowel sounds from your vocabulary, your skin will feel as tight and firm as your monosyllabic responses. As an added bonus, you’ll become an even better listener! Nnghhhah, bungah!
