You just walked into the party, and you’re almost positive everyone there was just talking about you. Don’t drive yourself nuts trying to figure out if there were or not! Here are all the surefire signs they definitely were.
They Are All Saying Hi and Seeming Glad to See You
If anyone says “Hey, [your name]! Good to see you,” everyone was definitely just talking about you. They’re embarrassed that you caught them deep in conversation about how much they hate your “edgy” new haircut, and are covering by instantly shifting the focus to you as if it weren’t there already. You just walked into the eye of a disgust tornado.
Being Deeply Absorbed in Conversation
If the group appears deep in conversation and doesn’t notice you at first, everyone was definitely just talking about how you lied about your age on OkCupid. They are: 1. Acknowledging that one of them just noticed you, 2. Sharing an “oops!” moment over the fact that they were just talking about you, and 3. Deciding what to pretend they were talking about before you showed up. If ends up being politics, sports, jobs, family, weather, or celebrity gossip, that’s extra evidence of a cover-up. Everyone is judging you.
Eating Chips and Guac While Watching Football
If people are hanging out watching the game and anyone—even your best friend Rachel—reaches for the chips and guac when you enter, everyone was definitely just talking about you. In fact, they were having a very involved debate about whether you should have taken that unpaid-but-exciting internship instead of wasting time in a series of dead end jobs, and they’re stuffing their faces as you enter so you’ll think the guac was all they were contemplating, rather than your failure of a career and life. Their rage toward you is only overshadowed by their pity. Rach, how could you?
Putting on Music and Dancing
If the host puts music on and says, “It’s time for the dance party” as soon as you got there, everyone was definitely just talking about you. They were so into their conversation about how you didn’t get into any of your top five grad schools and are therefore not going to accomplish anything in life that there’s literally nothing else they can think of to discuss, and have thus chosen to spend the rest of the night dancing. If you hear a ballad playing while you’re in the bathroom, they’ve all stopped dancing and are continuing the conversation in whispers. This is why you should never leave the bathroom ever.
It’s up to you whether you try to play it cool or call them out, but at least now you have all the information. Oh look, Jenny and April just got here, and took off their sunglasses in unison. They were also definitely just talking about you!
