If there’s one thing every woman needs, it’s the peace of mind that you are absolutely, definitely not pregnant. If you are concerned that a rogue sperm may have found its way into the fortress of your uterus, here are some surefire signs to quell that near-constant, nagging sense of worry inside of you:
1. You Don’t Really FEEL Pregnant.
You feel weird and kind of sick, but that could be anything. Like your period that’s a few days late but not like, late-late. Allergy season just started too. It’s also getting cold outside… all of these things can throw your body into the usual chaos of not being pregnant.
2. Your Friends Say You’re Probably Not.
Who knows you better than your friends? You trust them for a reason. They know EVERY detail of when you slept with that guy who said he also liked Nutella. So they’re well-equipped to determine your level of pregnant-ness. Friends can be wrong often, but this cannot be one of those times.
3. Remind Yourself You Basically Used Protection Both Times
You saw him run into the gas station to pick up the condoms and you saw him take them out of the bag. You even saw him put one on and you remember because he seemed to be struggling more than you thought was normal. But he definitely got it on. You might have forgotten your birth control that day, but you crossed your fingers the ENTIRE time.
4. You Don’t Look Pregnant.
If anything, your boobs feel smaller!
5. Your Nausea is Just From Eating All Those Cookies as Soon As You Woke Up
Cookies are great whether you’re pregnant or not, so don’t sweat that.
6. You’ve always had weird cravings.
You crave ice cream in the winter. You crave pizza while you’re eating it. So unless you’ve been pregnant every day of your life, those don’t count.
7. That song on the radio was a sign.
As soon as you said you might be pregnant, Destiny’s Child’s breakout hit “No, No, No” came on. If you needed a sign from anyone, it was Beyoncé.
8. You’ve never been pregnant before, so you’re probably infertile.
Doctors don’t always know what they’re doing. And it’s not like they check you for infertility at your pap smear. Who knows? But that would explain how you’ve managed not to get knocked up so far.
9. Wouldn’t you just know by now?
You would just be able to tell.